tumblr site counter
Babe Parker
April 21, 2013
“Too Many Notes”

I once dated a guy who was not nice to me and criticized my comedy. I guess you could call this “negging,” (as if that makes it ok.) IMO, when anyone actively discourages or criticizes another person (regardless of motive) that’s not flirting— that’s just plain bullying.

This guy I was seeing told me my stand-up comedy wasn’t good and it “had too many words.” 

Sure seemed like an odd complaint, given the fact that stand-up comedy is, just, ya know, talking. However, I deeply considered his critique. True, I am verbose— maybe I’m too verbose?

I suddenly remembered how growing up I was always told I was “too this,” or “too that.” I was never enough. 

But then I realized this must happen to artists all the time…when you hold creative energy it’s like having keys to a castle, and everyone wants to take those keys. One tactic to take them away is to make you think those keys aren’t valuable.

But, of course, you know they are. 

And I was suddenly comforted, in remembering dialogue from one of my favorite plays; Peter Shaffer’s Amadeus 

    

Emperor Joseph II:

My dear young man, don’t take it too hard. Your work is ingenious- it’s quality work. There are simply too many notes, that’s all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.


Mozart:

Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?

 

 

 

6:07pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxjESSgj
(View comments) 
(Notes: 11)
  
January 12, 2013
The Best Drunk-Girl Dance Songs

Drunk girls; I love ‘em.

No, really I do.

Misogynists might hate them, but not me; I celebrate them. 

Why?

1) Because everyone should be celebrated, duh.

2) Drunk girls are hilarious.

3) They love dancing. And I love dancing.

The only true celebration of drunk women I can recall is the (now feminist) archetype of the 1920s “Flapper.” (I guess retro-drunk-girls are more accepted than modern ones.)

I like drunk chicks cuz they always wanna dance— and they are determined to do it. So determined they’re willing to dance by themselves, for 5 hours, in heels, while holding a drink. That’s impressive. Y’ever see Fred Astaire pull that shit off??? I don’t think so, pal. 

To pay tribute to my drunk ladies, I’ve compiled a list of dance songs. And there is some criteria.

The perfect drunk-girl dance song must:

  • Pair well with a lap dance
  • Have a medium-to-slow tempo (bc when yr drunk you move slower)
  • Have lyrics to sing along (or lip sync) with

And now my selections. 

BEST DRUNK-GIRL SONGS

  • S&M - Rihanna 

This song is almost too fast to dance to while holding a vodka-soda (the standard party-girl drink,) but somehow it works. I also I like whipping my hair around, which is my signature drunk move. 

This song’s vibe is both cutesy and super sexual. Creepy lyrics like “throw me on the bed” and “wrestle me around” make this a fun one for a drunk girl to sing to the invisible audience she has created for herself. 

SUCH a classic, it instantly makes me feel like I’ve had 3 shots of tequila.  

This could very well be the drunk girl anthem, because it’s slow enough for an awkward lap-dance and the sentiment conveys the universal experience of true, narcissistic drunkenness. 

Ok seriously people— put this song on at a party. Some girl will be like “Omg what? Who is this JK don’t care I’m already humping this wallIlovetheRollingStonesyouguys.”

This is a personal drunk fav. That sax-solo? Come on, this is the jam. 

This song sounds like it was written by the girl in high school who had sex with everyone and we thought she was empowered but really she was just very sad and lonely with no real friends. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be a downer … ! keep dancing!

“Sexy Can I-” Is a great unfinished thought for drunk people who can’t finish sentences. 

Drunk dudes will dance to this too. It’s classic. 

….That’s it for now.

I hope you enjoy these songs at your next booze-filled gathering!

Oh, 

but before I go,

I must make absolutely clear that while I’m an advocate of silly debauchery, I am also one of safety. If you end up being one of those drunk girls, make sure you have a friend/wall to lean on so you don’t fall over. Also, try to take off your heels; I know you’re all “I’m fine!” because your feet are numb right now, but they will be swollen tomorrow I promise you! 

Also consider going to meetings if this behavior is happening every night. 

Also drink some water. 

lv b

12:47am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxbZ4dvG
(View comments) 
(Notes: 7)
  
December 12, 2012
The Worst Christmas Songs

I love everything about Christmas. Generally speaking, I am PRO-CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

However, I’m a writer and a comedian; I have a discerning mind. I admit not all Christmas songs are created equal. Some make you tap out immediately, some are upsetting and you don’t know why— and some, of course, are so bad— they’re good. 

These are the selections I’ve made.

Songs That-Make-You-Switch-Stations

Paul McCartney had a bunch of good songs post-Beatles…. it’s too bad he had to make a boring Christmas song, because now that’s the only Paul McCartney song we will hear, a million times in a row. Every Christmas. Every year. For the rest of our lives.

In what context does this song fit into the celebration of Christmas? I’m serious. When is this song good? At your Christmas dance party?? Sure, if you’re friends with Cirque Du Soleil. Perhaps during a quiet Christmas dinner??? Sure! Until :34 seconds in, when it turns super loud and scary. All I know is, if I were smoking weed listening to this I’d be terrified for my life.

I didn’t even know the name of this one so I had to google search “that boring song 80’s Christmas song.” It’s not something you can dance to and it’s also not fun to sing along with. It’s just blahhh, I can’t even make fun of it, it’s just …zzzzzzzz sorry I fell asleep.

Most Disturbing Christmas Songs:

I believed in Santa when I was a kid, so I thought this song was about true infidelity. I grew up around a lot of divorce so I thought “Well, yea, I guess someone’s mom could cheat on their dad with Santa … that’s plausible. People cheat on each other all the time, whatever, that’s life, we’re all gonna die eventually.”

Because it’s about date-rape. I assume this is common knowledge by now.

This song is upsetting. Why? Oh I don’t know— maybe because it’s about hazing?  Those reindeer are the worst. They tease Rudolph mercilessly. But oh! Wait, nvrmd, it’s fine now, because Rudolph did something that “will go down in history” so now they totally LOVE HIM!!!!!! Because now he’s famous. And they’re all sycophants. I hate them. 

This also scared me as a child. Grandma is DEAD you guys, WHY is this funny????

And then,

of course, some songs

are not worthy of ridicule;

they are holiday treasures….

Songs So-Bad-They’re-Good:

Say what you will about ‘Nsync— but in their hey-day, these guys were willing to look dumb. They were willing to put their sex-appeal on the back-burner for some cheese-tastic holiday fun. Can we say same about that about Justin Bieber?? NO. 

This song is awful. It’s also the only Christmas song Britney Spears ever released … therefore an instant American classic.

Love this because it captures the pre-dirty, tough-Xtina image (circa 2000) and pairs it with a song about hanging out with family at Christmas time…ALSO she raps about xmas at 2:30…)

If no one’s caught on just yet, Lady Gaga has a sense of humor. The idea of “Sexxxxy Christmas!” is pretty laughable and this song captures it perfectly. This song is exquisitely, positively hilarbearz. 

Merry Christmas, friends. Remember to enjoy all the Christmas music— yes, even if it’s terrible. 

2:58pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxZDKHK_
(View comments) 
December 7, 2012
11 Friendship Deal-Breakers

We’ve all heard the catch-phrase “deal-breaker,” as it pertains to romantic relationships. It’s an empowering reminder for people to strive for higher standards in relationships. But why does this idea only pertain to sexual relationships? Shouldn’t we have standards for all relationships? Like friendships?

IMHO, friendship should be the most sacred love, because it’s about ultimate acceptance and individual choice. We can’t pick our sisters or brothers, but we can decide if they’re our friends. Discretion will rid you of unhealthy influences, and spare you much heartache. 

If the person you were dating treated you badly you’d end the relationship, right? Well, the same should be said about friendship. Here are some friend deal-breakers:

1.) They talk shit about other friends.

Because chances are, they’re talkin’ shit about you. BTW there is a difference between gossip/talkin’ shit vs. exchanging ideas and concern regarding another person. The point is, whatever the manner your friends chat about other people, is how they’re talking about you… so if you don’t like their disposition, politely excuse yourself from the table.

2.) They imitate you.

Haven’t you seen Single White Female?!?!?!

3.) They stay friends with your ex. 

Breaking up with a horrible person can be a good litmus test for who your real friends are.  Do they stay friends with your ex-boyfriend, who cheated on you or emotionally abused you? That’s a good thing to know! 

4.) They hate women.

This could be a problem if 1) they are a woman and 2) so are you. Also, if you have a friend who hates any oppressed group or any group of humans at all, they probs shouldn’t be yer friend … cuz they’re, ya know, full of hate ‘n stuff.

5.) They don’t stick up for you. 

Your friends should stick up for you the way they would if someone messed with their mom or their sister. They don’t have to start a fight, but could at least make it clear they have your back.

6.) They get mad at you when you’re in a relationship.

Friends should support each other no matter where the other one is at. People get busy when they’re nurturing a romantic relationship, the people who should understand that the most should be your friends.

7.) They’re too demanding of your time.

Married people have “schedules.” Friendship, on the other hand, should be about love & freedom. If you have to cancel dinner your friend should be the one who says “That’s ok! Another time! I love you!” Friends should not add burden to your life; they should relieve it.

8.) They get angry at your success.

Seems like an obvious one and yet it pervades so many relationships. If your friend doesn’t want success for you, that means they hate themselves, plain and simple. You might feel sorry for them, which makes you hide your light when you’re around them (but that’s not healthy.) If you care for them, don’t hide your light under a bushel; tell them they need to learn to love themselves (so they can love you.) If that doesn’t work— step away. Slowly.

9.) They freak out at you for no reason.

Occasional meltdowns are normal (we all have our days,) but and if this becomes a pattern where it’s always aimed at YOU, they probably love drama. Maybe at first you’re their safety from drama but eventually you’ll be in their storyline— with you written as a villain. 

10.) They’re passive-aggressive.

You don’t have time for this; life is short. As individuals if we are upset it’s our responsibility to let our feelings known. A good friend will be honest with you when they’re upset and relieve you from worry or guilt.

11.) They hate Christina Aguilera. 

image

OK… so this one may not pertain to anyone else but me, but If you hate Christina Aguilera I just feel like you’re mean. What’s yr problem? Why do you have to comment on her weight all the time?!?!!??? She’s positive and fun- stop being such a hater. If you can’t appreciate a flamboyant lady with a big voice then you probs won’t appreciate me, (you also won’t appreciate my Christmas playlist which is like 80% Xtina.) I’m sorry. Deal-breaker.

x b

3:50pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxYsXYiw
(View comments) 
(Notes: 4)
  
Filed under: Friendship Girls deal-breaker deal-breakers lists women magazine lists Christina Aguilera tina fey mean girls 
October 27, 2012
In Defense of Halloween ‘Sluts’

Every Halloween, we hear the same question:

“What’s with girls dressing up like SLUTS????”

And the responses are:

“HAHAHA I know, right? Girls are total sluts.”

Or

“Ew I know! OMG, so slutty!”

Or

“Yeaaaa man, but you gotta love those *sluts.”

(*Slut = female + sexy + cleavage + short skirt, etc.)

But hey, maybe instead of just asking this question, turning Halloween into some kind of shaming slut-witch-hunt, maybe we should take the time to really ask and answer this question.

Why do women dress like this on Halloween?

Well, let’s see:

- When do we start celebrating Halloween?

- Childhood.

- What do most little girls want to be for Halloween?

- Fancy, pretty, glittery, pink, shimmery, girly, girly, girly, girly, glitter, glitter, fancy lady, gliteretjshdfkjsdf etc, etc.

Little girls like to dress up aspirationally. They wanna dress up like a woman; the most feminine form they can imagine. Halloween then becomes a day they can wear things they can’t wear on a daily basis.

For adults, Halloween is still that day.

On Halloween, adults connect to their inner child. Women, (BTW, I understand there is a large spectrum of sexuality; I am specifically speaking about heterosexual women) are just like their little-girl-selves. Child and adult females want to have fun and be free in their femininity with no repercussions. And in a culture with a microscope on women’s bodies and politicians who don’t respect women, and men who call women “sluts” for using birth control it’s no wonder that women repress their sexuality and femininity and only let it come out on Halloween. Perhaps for some, Halloween has the promise of a sexuality-safe space.

For any of you who studied psychology or child-development you might know that in early childhood, before puberty, our sexual-orientation asserts itself. So, heterosexual-oriented little girls will dress very girly. Halloween, then, is a time for them to express their most liberated selves. A little girl might dress like this:

Her adult-self may want to dress like this:

Little girls like being Disney princesses:

Right. SO DO WOMEN:

The only biological difference between a little girl and a woman is sexual maturity. As a girl matures, her sexuality becomes just one part of her already very defined sexual-orientation. Halloween is and always was, the one day where she can express the silly, fun and unbridled joy of femininity.

Let’s say a woman wants to be Robin for Halloween.

Her inner child might step in and say: “Um ok….”

“…but can I still look like a girl? I kinda like being a girl.”

When I was a small child I wanted to wear tutus.

Now I’m an adult and—

Fuck yea I still wear them.

But I’m a performer. In such a female-shaming culture, most women probably don’t want to draw too much attention to themselves or their gender. They might wait for a night to express their deepest flamboyant nature. Which night? Ah, yes… HALLOWEEEEEEEN!

If you see a little girl wearing pink and glitter tutu this Halloween, you wouldn’t call her a slut, would you? Then you probably shouldn’t say that to the woman she’s grown into.

HH! I love yous.

2:40pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxW3hpIF
(View comments) 
(Notes: 20)
  
Filed under: Halloween sexy costumes sluts slut shaming ms. magazine little girl costumes feminism activism comedy 
October 22, 2012
Mitt Romney Is The New Rebecca Black

Two days ago, news surfaced revealing Mitt Romney’s family made investments on voting machines in Ohio (aka buying votes in the election. NBD, guys. NBD.)

There’s a saying I’ve heard: “You gotta fake it ‘til you make it—!” but there’s an ending people often forget: “—but when you make it, you’re a fake.”

Mitt Romney trying to be president is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. He fumbles around, emulating the image of a president, instead of genuinely being one. The climb for power in politics is evidently as embarrassing as the climb for pop-stardom.

If Obama is the rock-star candidate, then Romney is the desperate, wannabe-pop-star.

Read More

1:53pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxVmwcx_
(View comments) 
(Notes: 11)
  
October 2, 2012
True Love Is Keepin’ It Real

I love romance. 

BUT,

romance needs a new definition. Because the current one sucks.

American cinema and literature paint romance as unrealistic as science fiction. With larger than life circumstances, love stories are put on a pedestal. The more unrequited, the more doomed— the better. Those brief glimpses of intense, fantastical love are illustrated as an unattainable goal, few will experience in their lifetime.

Well.

That sucks, right?

The true fortunes of life are not “unattainable.” Comparing your love life to romantic movies a la “The Notebook” is as useless as comparing your body to an airbrushed picture in Vanity Fair. What I’ve learned is that true romance is not about over-the-top grand gestures or drama; 

Romance is in simplicity. 

When you eat healthy food, your body learns to crave healthy food. When you have healthy expectations for love— that’s exactly what you will get. 

The problem with romantic movies is these romantic role models are not only unrealistic, they’re also super fucked up.

A few examples of “GREAT ROMANCE”?

image

Jack and Rose, The most melodramatic couple of the century, whose romance lasted a total 48 hours.

It doesn’t matter if they had made it out alive together. I truly believe these two are such drama queens, they would’ve broken up the minute the boat docked.

The point is: fuck them.

image

Romeo and Juliet, same deal, completely spastic.

“OMG YOU LOOK DEAD OK I’M GONNA STAB MYSELF”

Uh hey Juliet, how about you wait a minute and then maybe he’ll wake up and you won’t be dead. Also, remember like 5 seconds ago when he was in love with Rosaline??? Don’t you think that’s weird?!?!

They’re 13, they’re dumb, and let’s face it; Romeo’s the type of dude who “falls in love” every 3 weeks. Stay away.

image

Scarlett and Rhett. BARF.

Why are they so into each other? I’ll tell you why; they love drama. He looooves being sad that she’s in love with Ashley and she looooves that he keeps leaving and coming back. They’re more on-again/off-again than Carrie & Big, with more theatrical public fighting and children tragically falling off horses for no reason.

Alright.

So.

What is real romance?

It’s just that, real. They are couples who don’t have to make a spectacle. They love each other enough to just exist together. They like to just, ya know, hang out and stuff. 

image

Jim and Pam; A redeeming fictional love story in mainstream media, because they steer away from drama to express love. They are just straightforward and sweet together. Let us all be comfortable enough to acknowledge the Pam within us, so we may sit still long enough to find a Jim… amen.

image

Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks. I don’t suspect infidelity between these two, because they’re too busy being stable and awesome.

image

You know what you’d never see Scarlett and Rhett do?

FIST BUMP. But Michelle and Barack do. Why? Because they’re best friends, and business partners. They’re down to earth. Just like:

image

Your parents? Maybe? 

Maybe not all our parents.

But they should be like that. Hopefully all our parents are emotionally stable, but even if they weren’t, you can be, if you choose to.

My philosophy on love is: do not chase drama.

Love is PASSIONATE and exciting, but it’s also [seemingly] boring. If it’s real love, though, and you really accept it, it’s not boring; it’s simple and truthful and it feels good- (not crazy.)

So, if you’re in a relationship that feels like a roller-coaster, filled with uncertainty and drama and makes you cry and drags you through the emotional mud, GTFO.

Pining over someone, jumping through hoops, or loving someone “so much it hurts” isn’t real love… because real love will never hurt you.

8:28am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxUU-p-l
(View comments) 
(Notes: 6)
  
October 1, 2012
happy October everyone! 

happy October everyone! 

(Source: mermaidshades)

10:34pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxUTuQqg
(View comments) 
(Notes: 1,844)
  
September 17, 2012

12:40pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxTZYu7S
(View comments) 
(Notes: 5)
  
September 13, 2012

This super cool artist illustrated one of my tweets today- check it!

And follow him !!!!

Oh and me @BabeParker if you don’t already

9:26pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZalbKxTLMYko
(View comments) 
(Notes: 2)
  
Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »