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Babe Parker
August 30, 2013

chrislamberth:

EPISODE 28

Chris is joined by actress and comedian Babe Parker. She talks to him about pop culture, her high school experience, and trying to become her most authentic self. 

Website: MouthofBabe.tumblr.com  ChrisLamberth.com
Twitter: @BabeParker @ChrisLamberth

August 5, 2013
Most Underrated Style Icons

Sun-Maid Raisins Lady

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Look at this woman. Who else could pull a bonnet off like this? Surely no one. Not only is her style pretty— it is also functional (she works in the sun, duh, she needs a hat.)

Chiquita Banana Lady

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One time I went to a Halloween party and saw this girl dressed up and was like “OMG!! Are you the Chiquita Banana lady???” Turns out she was Frida Kahlo — but I think my INSTINCTUAL RESPONSE TO HER COSTUME really proves my point.

Bambi

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Ok so she doesn’t wear clothes and she’s not a human (I also think Bambi is a boy?) BUT Bambi is arguably the original super model. Also it should be noted his(?) hairstyle is identical to Halle Berry.

Strawberry Shortcake

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Obvs a huge influence for Katy Perry.

Kimmy Gibbler

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She was the subject of merciless cruelty on Full House, (and her attire was meant to somehow justify that bullying?) But I contend that her risk-taking clothes were genius. #teamkimmy

Britney the Chipmunk

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aka The Original Britney

Malificent

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Fierce.

Jem

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If you ever dyed your hair pink I think we both know where you got that idea. #respect

Small Wonder

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If I was going to describe my style (or what I wish my style was) it would def be “little-girl-robot.”

She-Ra Princess of Power

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She-Ra is feminine (by definition,) but she was also crazy strong. Her comination of femininity + power is unparalleled. Like many of you, I had the She-Ra doll. She’s was like a Barbie doll … who can body throw you, move mountains and kill robots.

June 3, 2013
Top 5 Most Misogynist Oldies

I love pop music, and I love oldies. I even love those songs that make my feminist mind peeved (I have that experience a lot listening to music. Or listening to anything.)

I still like these songs, but their sentiments sorta bug me. Here’s a short list of some misogynist favs:

1) Run Around Sue

The term “slut-shaming" didn’t exist in 1961, but if it did, this song could’ve been a good conversation starter. Dion sings about a girl he once knew who rejected him, warning she "likes to run around with other guys—stay away from girl!" The modern translation, of course, being "She’s a slutty mcslut! Stay away from that slut!" He seems pretty mad but curiously, the song ends with "and my love still grows." So, um, I think he’s still pretty into her, and this song is like a revenge ploy. NICE TRY, DION. 

2) The Wanderer

Dion again. He is the promiscuous character in this song, and (surprise) it’s totes fine with everyone. Cuz guys can be slutty, and it’s awesome. Dion says he gets with tons of girls cuz “to me they’re all the same!” Oh really, Dion? They’re all the same? Cuz you seemed pretty bent out of shape over that girl Sue … whatevs I’m just saying. 

3) I Got a Woman

I always assumed this song by Ray Charles was a romantic one— because I never really listened to the lyrics. He says he’s “got a woman” who “saves her lovin’” just for him. He’s free and single but has this chick literally waiting at home for him. She cooks and cleans and waits for him because “she knows a woman’s place is right there in her home!!!!” Seriously? Let’s just change the title of this song to “I Got a Hostage.”

4) Shop Around

Ok so this song tells the story of a dude who wants to find a girl, but his mom always deters him, advising:

"You better shop around."

Why is this guy’s mom directing his love life? HUGE red flag. Also “Shop around”??? what is that?? “Go bang a bunch of girls?” What kind of terrible mother is this. Sounds like she’s less of a mom and more of a wing-man. Wing-mom. (PS Wing-Moms would make for a great/terrible reality show.)

5) Jessie’s Girl

In this 80’s classic (YES 80’S IS CONSIDERED OLDIES-) Rick Springfield laments “I wish I had Jessie’s Girl.”

Well, hey Rick. Maybe Jessie’s Girl would be interested in you…if you, like, took the time to learn her name? Srsly. “Jessie’s Girl?” Does she have a name? Is this really about Jesse’s girlfriend or your need to beat Jesse? Whatevs I’m not your therapist but please address these issues. 

April 21, 2013
"Too Many Notes"

I once dated a guy who was not nice to me and criticized my comedy. I guess you could call this “negging,” (as if that makes it ok.) IMO, when anyone actively discourages or criticizes another person (regardless of motive) that’s not flirting— that’s just plain bullying.

This guy I was seeing told me my stand-up comedy wasn’t good and it “had too many words.” 

Sure seemed like an odd complaint, given the fact that stand-up comedy is, just, ya know, talking. However, I deeply considered his critique. True, I am verbose— maybe I’m too verbose?

I suddenly remembered how growing up I was always told I was “too this,” or “too that.” I was never enough. 

But then I realized this happens to artists all the time…when you hold creative energy it’s like having keys to a castle, and everyone wants to take those keys. One tactic to take them away is to make you think those keys aren’t valuable.

But, of course they are. 

When people try to tear us down creatively, we should just call their bluff, because the truth is creative people have the power, not the critic. 

Which reminds me of this dialogue from Peter Shaffer’s Amadeus. It made me feel better:

    

Emperor Joseph II:

My dear young man, don’t take it too hard. Your work is ingenious- it’s quality work. There are simply too many notes, that’s all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.


Mozart:

Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?

 

 

 

January 12, 2013
The Best Drunk-Girl Dance Songs

Drunk girls; I love ‘em.

No, really I do.

Some people might hate them, but not me; I celebrate those girls.

Why?

1) Because everyone should be celebrated, duh.

2) Drunk girls are hilarious.

3) They love dancing, and who doesn’t love dancing.

The only true celebration of drunk women I can recall is the (now feminist) archetype of the 1920s “Flapper.” (I guess retro-drunk-girls are more accepted than modern ones.)

I like drunk chicks cuz they always wanna dance— and they are determined to do it. So determined they’re willing to dance by themselves, for 5 hours, in heels, while holding a drink. That’s impressive. Y’ever see Fred Astaire pull that shit off??? I don’t think so, pal.

To pay tribute to my drunk ladies, I’ve compiled a list of dance songs. And there is some criteria.

The perfect drunk-girl dance song must:

  • Pair well with a lap dance
  • Have a medium-to-slow tempo (bc when yr drunk you move slower)
  • Have lyrics to sing along (or lip sync) with

And now my selections.

BEST DRUNK-GIRL SONGS

This song is almost too fast to dance to while holding a vodka-soda (the standard party-girl drink,) but somehow it works. I also I like whipping my hair around, which is my signature drunk move.

This song’s vibe is both cutesy and super sexual. Creepy lyrics like “throw me on the bed” and “wrestle me around” make this a fun one for a drunk girl to sing to the invisible audience she has created for herself.

This instantly makes me feel like I’ve had 3 shots of tequila.

This could very well be the drunk girl anthem, because it’s slow enough for an awkward lap-dance and the sentiment conveys the universal experience of true, narcissistic drunkenness.

Ok seriously people— put this song on at a party. Some girl will be like “Omg what? Hahaha Jk I don’t care I’m already humping this wall omg I love the Rolling Stones you guys.”

A personal fav. That sax-solo?? This is the jam.

This song sounds like it’s from the perspective of that one girl you knew in high school- ya know, the one who had sex with everyone and we thought she was empowered but really she was just very sad and lonely with no real friends.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be a downer. Let’s take more shots!

"Sexy Can I—-?"

A great title, and unfinished thought, for drunk people who can’t finish sentences.

If you don’t have the chutzpah to dance to this song, a drink or two would definitely help.

And….

that’s it for now.

I hope you enjoy these songs at your next booze-filled gathering.

and please remember

*drink responsibly

*drink lots of water

*take off your heels at some point bc your feet will hurt the next day

December 12, 2012
The Worst Christmas Songs

Some Christmas songs suck. But not all bad Christmas songs are created equal: some make you tap out immediately, some make you depressed, and some are so bad, they’re good.

These are the selections I’ve made.

Songs That-Make-You-Switch-Stations

Paul McCartney had a bunch of good songs post-Beatles…. it’s too bad he had to make a boring Christmas song, because now that’s the only Paul McCartney song we will hear, a million times in a row. Every Christmas. Every year. For the rest of our lives.

In what context does this song fit into the celebration of Christmas? Maybe a Christmas party (if your guests include Cirque Du Soleil.) At :34 seconds it gets super scary and all I know is, if you smoke weed listening to this song you will be terrified for your life.

I didn’t even know the name of this one so I had to google search “boring song 80’s Christmas song.” I don’t even know how to make fun of it, it’s just ………… zzzzzzzz

Most Disturbing Christmas Songs:

I believed in Santa when I was a kid, so I thought this song was about true infidelity. I grew up around a lot of divorce so I thought “Well, yea, I guess someone’s mom could cheat on their dad with Santa … that’s plausible. People cheat on each other all the time, whatever, that’s life, we’re all gonna die eventually.”

Because it’s about date-rape. I assume this is common knowledge by now.

This song is upsetting. Why? Oh I don’t know— maybe because it’s about hazing?

This also scared me as a child. Grandma is DEAD you guys, WHY is this funny????

And then,

of course, some songs

are not worthy of ridicule;

they are holiday treasures….

Songs So-Bad-They’re-Good:

Say what you will about ‘Nsync— but in their hey-day, these guys were willing to look dumb. They were willing to put their sex-appeal on the back-burner for some cheese-tastic holiday fun. Can we say same about that about Justin Bieber?? NO.

This song is awful. It’s also the only Christmas song Britney Spears ever released … therefore an instant American classic.

Love this because it captures the pre-dirty, tough-Xtina image (circa 2000) and pairs it with a song about hanging out with family at Christmas time…ALSO she raps about xmas at 2:30…)

If no one’s caught on just yet, Lady Gaga has a sense of humor. The idea of “Sexxxxy Christmas!” is pretty laughable and this song captures it perfectly. This song is exquisitely, positively hilarbearz.

Merry Christmas, friends. Remember to enjoy all the Christmas music— yes, even if it’s terrible.

December 7, 2012
11 Friendship Deal-Breakers

We’ve all heard the catch-phrase “deal-breaker,” as it pertains to romantic relationships. It’s an empowering reminder for people to strive for higher standards in relationships. But why does this idea only pertain to sexual relationships? Shouldn’t we have standards for all relationships? Like friendships?

IMHO, friendship should be the most sacred love, because it’s about ultimate acceptance and individual choice. We can’t pick our sisters or brothers, but we can decide if they’re our friends. Discretion will rid you of unhealthy influences, and spare you much heartache. 

If the person you were dating treated you badly you’d end the relationship, right? Well, the same should be said about friendship. Here are some friend deal-breakers:

1.) They talk shit about other friends.

Because chances are, they’re talkin’ shit about you. BTW there is a difference between gossip/talkin’ shit vs. exchanging ideas and concern regarding another person. The point is, whatever the manner your friends chat about other people, is how they’re talking about you… so if you don’t like their disposition, politely excuse yourself.
2.) They emulate you.
Haven’t you seen Single White Female?!?!?!
 
3.) They stay friends with your ex. 
Breaking up with a horrible person can be a good litmus test for who your real friends are.  Do they stay friends with your ex-boyfriend, who cheated on you or emotionally abused you? That’s a good thing to know! 
4.) They hate women.
This could be a problem if 1) they are a woman and 2) so are you. Also, if your friend hates any oppressed group or anyone at all really, they probs shouldn’t be yer friend … cuz they’re … ya know, full of hate ‘n stuff?

5.) They don’t stick up for you. 

Your friend should stick up for you the way they would if someone messed with their mom or their sister. They don’t have to start a fight, but could at least make it clear they always have your back.

6.) They get mad at you when you’re in a relationship.

Friends should support each other no matter where the other one is at. People get busy when they’re nurturing a romantic relationship, the people who should understand that the most should be your friends.

7.) They’re too demanding of your time.

Married people have “schedules” (that makes sense.) Friendship, on the other hand, should be about love & freedom. If you have to cancel dinner your friend should be the one who says “That’s ok! Another time! I love you!” Friends should not add burden to your life; they should relieve it.

8.) They get angry at your success.

Seems like an obvious one and yet it pervades so many relationships. If your friend doesn’t want success for you, that means they hate themselves, plain and simple. You might feel sorry for them, which makes you hide your light when you’re around them (but that’s not healthy.) If you care for them, don’t hide your light under a bushel; tell them they need to learn to love themselves (so they can love you.) If that doesn’t work— step away. Slowly.

9.) They freak out at you for no reason.

Occasional meltdowns are normal (we all have our days,) but and if this becomes a pattern where it’s always aimed at YOU, they probably love drama. Maybe at first you’re their safety from drama but eventually you’ll be in their storyline— with you written as a villain. 

10.) They’re passive-aggressive.

You don’t have time for this; life is short. As individuals if we are upset it’s our responsibility to let our feelings known. A good friend will be honest with you when they’re upset and relieve you from worry or guilt.

11.) They hate Christina Aguilera. 

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OK… so this one may not pertain to anyone else but me, but If you hate Christina Aguilera I just feel like you’re mean. What’s yr problem? Why do you have to comment on her weight all the time?!?!!??? She’s positive and fun— stop being such a hater. If you can’t appreciate a flamboyant lady with a big voice then you probs won’t appreciate me, (you also won’t appreciate my Christmas playlist which is like 80% Xtina.) I’m sorry. Deal-breaker.

October 27, 2012
In Defense of Halloween ‘Sluts’

People should be allowed to dress however they want, but every Halloween, we hear the same question:

“What’s with girls dressing up like SLUTS?”

And other people respond, like:

“HA I know, right? That costume is so dumb. Why would you want to dress like a slut?”

My question is: When did Halloween become a slut-shaming sport?

Surprisingly, it is sometimes self-proclaimed feminists who throw slander. They say their critique is not of women’s sexuality, but of their “lack of creativity.” 

A good feminist shouldn’t belittle women or their intelligence, just because they make different choices. Feminism is nothing without inclusivity, and a feminist is nothing without compassion. Whatever the reason for our judgement, we are shaming women for what they’re wearing, and that just feels wrong. 

Hey- has anyone ever considered that maybe a woman dressing sexy on Halloween isn’t ”pandering to the patriarchy?” Maybe those women just want to dress like that? Because it’s just, like, fun? Instead of making jokes with female slurs, let’s really ask & answer this question:

Why do women dress like this on Halloween?

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- When did we start celebrating Halloween?

- Childhood.

What did (some) little girls want to be for Halloween?

- Feminine— whatever that meant to them (just like boys want to be whatever was their perceived male-ideal.) 

Children dress up aspirationally— and they want to feel free. As a heterosexual identified female myself, I always wanted to dress up like a woman (because a woman was the icon of femininity.) Real life women (like my mom!) were as magical to me as Jessica Rabbit or She-Ra: Princess of Power. For kids in general, Halloween is a day to wear things we aren’t allowed in regular life. And for adults Halloween is still that day.

Halloween is a day for kids AND adults. We aren’t so different from our child-selves; Tomboy kids = tomboy adults, girly-girls = girly adults. We should be allowed to be whoever we want, but in a culture with politicians who don’t respect women, and men who call women “sluts” for using birth control it’s no wonder that women repress their sexuality and only let it come out on Halloween. Halloween has the promise of a sexuality safe-space.

And it’s usually our inner-child who has the most influence in picking out our costumes. Heterosexual-oriented girls often dress girly. One such girl might be like “Hey! I WANNA DRESS LIKE THIS!”

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Her adult-self is like “Me too.”

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What’s the problem with that?

Some girls like Disney princesses:

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They grow up and hey, they still do. 

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(PS I know a lot of women are also against Disney Princesses as a feministic principle, but I think they’re ok.) Contrary to popular belief not all women are brainwashed into feminine culture, some of us were like this very early, hell-bent on finding creative creative outlets to express the silly, fun and unbridled joy of femininity (like, ahem, Halloween.) 

So let’s say a woman wants to be Robin.

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Her inner child might step in and say: “Uh ok,”

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"but can I still look like a girl?”

Maybe a woman wants to take something from history or literature that neglects the presence of women (ps that’s most history and literature-) and make it female. Well, gee, that almost sounds like a feminist statement, no?

Anyway she might be like “I’ll be a Sassy Sherlock Holmes!”

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Why? Maybe because she thinks it’s funny? Or maybe she believes Sherlock Holmes would be more interesting if he were a curvy lady (a curious notion.)

This is a day where our inner child can be free, but our adult selves can be free too. Our liberation can be anything we need it to be, and for some, liberation is tied to sexuality. 

So hey, if you saw a little girl wearing a glittery pink skirt, you wouldn’t call her a “slut," would you? Then pleasepleaseplease, don’t say that to the woman she has grown into. 

Happy Halloweeeeen. <3 yous. 

October 2, 2012
True Love Is Keepin’ It Real

I love romance. 

BUT,

romance needs a new definition. Because the current one sucks.

American cinema and literature paint romance as unrealistic as science fiction. With larger than life circumstances, love stories are put on a pedestal. The more unrequited, the more doomed— the better. Those brief glimpses of intense, fantastical love are illustrated as an unattainable goal, few will experience in their lifetime.

Well.

That sucks, right?

The true fortunes of life are not “unattainable.” Comparing your love life to romantic movies a la “The Notebook” is as useless as comparing your body to an airbrushed picture in Vanity Fair. What I’ve learned is that true romance is not about over-the-top grand gestures or drama; 

Romance is in simplicity. 

When you eat healthy food, your body learns to crave healthy food. When you have healthy expectations for love— that’s exactly what you will get. 

The problem with romantic movies is these romantic role models are not only unrealistic, they’re also super fucked up.

A few examples of “GREAT ROMANCE”?

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Jack and Rose, The most melodramatic couple of the century, whose romance lasted a total 48 hours.

It doesn’t matter if they had made it out alive together. I truly believe these two are such drama queens, they would’ve broken up the minute the boat docked.

The point is: fuck them.

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Romeo and Juliet, same deal, completely spastic.

"OMG YOU LOOK DEAD OK I’M GONNA STAB MYSELF"

Uh hey Juliet, how about you wait a minute and then maybe he’ll wake up and you won’t be dead. Also, remember like 5 seconds ago when he was in love with Rosaline??? Don’t you think that’s weird?!?!

They’re 13, they’re dumb, and let’s face it; Romeo’s the type of dude who “falls in love” every 3 weeks. Stay away.

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Scarlett and Rhett. BARF.

Why are they so into each other? I’ll tell you why; they love drama. He looooves being sad that she’s in love with Ashley and she looooves that he keeps leaving and coming back. They’re more on-again/off-again than Carrie & Big, with more theatrical public fighting and children tragically falling off horses for no reason.

Alright.

So.

What is real romance?

It’s just that, real. They are couples who don’t have to make a spectacle. They love each other enough to just exist together. They like to just, ya know, hang out and stuff. 

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Jim and Pam; A redeeming fictional love story in mainstream media, because they steer away from drama to express love. They are just straightforward and sweet together. Let us all be comfortable enough to acknowledge the Pam within us, so we may sit still long enough to find a Jim… amen.

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Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks. I don’t suspect infidelity between these two, because they’re too busy being stable and awesome.

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You know what you’d never see Scarlett and Rhett do?

FIST BUMP. But Michelle and Barack do. Why? Because they’re best friends, and business partners. They’re down to earth. Just like:

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Your parents? Maybe? 

Maybe not all our parents.

But they should be like that. Hopefully all our parents are emotionally stable, but even if they weren’t, you can be, if you choose to.

My philosophy on love is: do not chase drama.

Love is PASSIONATE and exciting, but it’s also [seemingly] boring. If it’s real love, though, and you really accept it, it’s not boring; it’s simple and truthful and it feels good- (not crazy.)

So, if you’re in a relationship that feels like a roller-coaster, filled with uncertainty and drama and makes you cry and drags you through the emotional mud, GTFO.

Pining over someone, jumping through hoops, or loving someone “so much it hurts” isn’t real love… because real love will never hurt you.

October 1, 2012
happy October everyone! 

happy October everyone! 

(Source: nymphaeals)

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